My mom would have been 68 years old today. As many of you know, I lost my mom earlier this year to COVID-19 and due to the safety protocols and regulations from the CDC, I was not able to be with her while she was in ICU and the only communication that I had with her was through a single FaceTime call. I did not get an opportunity to say my goodbyes or tell her how much I loved her on her last day here on earth. We were not able to have a funeral for her that she deserved, and I was not able to help make her Graveside arrangements because I was COVID positive at the time as well. I’m sure this sounds familiar to many people that have lost loved ones to this horrible virus. My heart breaks every time I hear of another person passing from COVID and my prayers are constantly with those who have been affected by this virus, whether it be from losing a loved one or dealing with the symptoms or after affects from having it. I have learned to lean on my faith this year more than I ever have in my life and I am learning to live more in the moment and enjoy my precious time here on earth with the people that I still have here. There are many things that I have been doing to practice self-care and to help me through my grief journey which I will share with you a little later, but first, I want to share some wonderful memories that I have of my mom.
I come from very humble beginnings; my dad was a self-employed carpenter and my mom was a bartender for much of my childhood. My mom made the decision to finish up her college degree and graduated with a Bachelor of Social Work when I was 7 years old. I remember being so proud of my mom as she walked across the stage to receive her diploma. She would go on to spend nearly 30 years in Social Work, both in Nursing Home and Hospice care. She dedicated her life to taking care of other people and helped families transition after they admitted loved ones in the nursing home or while grieving the loss of a loved one. Her last few months on this earth were dedicated to giving one a one care to 2 elderly people, one of which passed away a day before she did from COVID as well. She absolutely loved taking care of others; she would call me every day after work and tell me about her day and all the conversations she would have with her patients. She would get so tickled at some of their wild stories and we would sit on the phone and laugh as she re-told them to me. My mom was also my dad’s caretaker when he battled Prostate Cancer. He was diagnosed in January of 2002 and passed away that same July. She was with him for every step of his cancer journey, and even quit her job so that she could care for him every day. We all sat around our living room as we watched my dad take his last breath; my mom held his hand, and with tears in her eyes, let him know that it was ok to let go and reassured him that he would soon be with our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. When I was 12 years old, my mom and I found my grandmother, her mom, deceased in her apartment after spending several hours trying to reach her by phone. She also lost her dad suddenly while she was pregnant with me and lost one of her brother’s very suddenly a couple of years after her mom died. She carried so much pain with her as she grieved so many losses in her life, and there were times when I didn’t know if she would get through it, but she eventually learned to appreciate life again. She was the strongest woman that I have ever known, and I am the woman that I am today because of her.
My mom was the cool mom. Even though we didn’t have much and didn’t live in the nicest house, all my friends and my brother’s friends always wanted to come over to our house to play or spend the night. My mom treated every single one of our friends as if they were her own, regardless of race, religion or sexual orientation. She loved my cousins as if they were her own and even helped raise her brother’s son. She also loved my husband and treated him like her own son; she would mail him birthday cards or call or text him randomly to check on him, and she absolutely loved when we came to visit and my husband cooked his porkchops and breakfast for her. Everyone felt like they were at home when they came to my mom’s house. My best memories will always be driving back to my hometown and spending time with my mom while she babied me; she would always cook my favorite meal and wait on me hand and foot…that was one of her greatest pleasures in life. She busted her ass off to give my brother and I everything we ever wanted as kids. Even though we didn’t have much, we never went without and she always found a way to get us our Nike shoes, Guess Jeans and my Dooney & Bourke purses. My mom protected the people that she loved and would go to war behind her family. There were many times that she had choice words to say to some of my ex boyfriends who broke my heart, and there were many Facebook comments exchanged as she defended those that she loved that were being gossiped about through social media 😊.
My mom was my best friend. We talked after work every single day, sometimes not even saying a word, but just sitting on the phone to feel like we were in the same room. I could talk to her about anything and she always listened and always had advice. She would remind me every time it was going to rain or get cold outside so that I wouldn’t forget to pack an umbrella or a heavy coat. I would always tell her that I was grown and knew how to check the weather, but I wish more than anything that I had that now. She wanted so badly to be a grandma, and even though she had a slew of “grandkids” that she helped raise, she wanted me to have a child of my own. She came to every IVF procedure that I had to go through, she drove an hour and a half to be by my side in the emergency room when I was having a miscarriage, she came to every surgery and procedure that I went through after having a miscarriage, and she stayed at home with me to take care of me when my husband had to work. I wish more than anything that God could have given her a little more time on this earth to meet her first biological grandchild. My mom was so proud of me and supported me in every choice that I made both personally and professionally; she was my #1 fan and let everyone know it. She loved me so much and showed it every single day. Earlier this year, my mom made a Facebook post saying, “The thing I miss most of all during the quarantine is talking to my baby (Talisha Bailey) every afternoon….she always called me on her way home and we would talk until she got home….conversations are not like they were…I miss our talks and most of all seeing your beautiful face…this mess has got to be over soon!!!!” I remember feeling a little aggravated with her when she posted that because we did still talk every day, but when I started working from home I was working later hours and going straight from working to working out in our garage and then to eating dinner and then it was time for bed….there just didn’t seem to be enough time to sit on the phone and not say anything like we used to. I had no idea how much those calls meant to her, and I wish that I could get that time back now to call and talk to her for hours on end. I took that time I had with her for granted and I regret not taking the time out of my day to talk to her more while she was still here.
Today I will celebrate my mom’s life and I take comfort in the amazing memories that I have with her. I know that she knew how much I loved her, and I know how much she loved me; I have peace and comfort knowing that. I have come a long way in my grief journey in the past 6 months and I know that my faith in God and practicing self-care is what got me through those dark days and continues to get me through this journey. Self-care during grief can help you suffer less in mind, body and spirit. For those struggling with grief or mental health issues, I have listed my top 6 self-care tips.
- Morning affirmations
- Tell yourself what a badass you are! I utilize the Headspace app and Gratitude app on my phone or just write the top 3 things I’m thankful for every morning in my notes app. It sets the tone for the day and allows you to start with a positive mindset.
- Yoga/Exercise
- Get your body moving, even if it’s only 10 mins every day. I stream Yoga classes and workout classes from YouTube for free and workout in my garage or living room. Stretching your body and getting your heartrate up will improve your mood and help you stay focused throughout the day.
- Eating healthy/Supplements
- Take care of your body. Avoid eating fast food as much as possible. Not only will you save money and sleep better, but you will also improve your mood by kicking fast food to the curb. Chemicals in fast food can block mood-boosting nutrient absorption. Vitamins and supplements are especially important right now to help boost our immune system. I plan to share my morning routine in a separate blog post in early January so be on the lookout!
- Therapy
- Don’t be afraid to ask for help. I started grief therapy right after my mom passed and it has been a great outlet for me. I’m able to let my feelings out and I get validation in every emotion that I am going through. I also utilize a Grief Care Group through a local church that is free. It has been great being able to meet and talk to others that are going through the same thing. You are not alone in your grief or mental health problems!
- Reading
- I’m not a big reader, but I have found a couple grief books that I’ve read since my mom passed away. Below are a few that I found on Amazon (click on an image to shop). I also follow several grief support pages on Instagram and read their quotes or advice on a daily basis. My favorite is empowered_through_grief.
- Acupuncture
- This has probably been the best thing I’ve done to help me through my mental struggles, but also with physical pain caused from stress. I go once a week and started out with hour long sessions but have cut back to 30 minute sessions to help with the cost. I feel completely relaxed and stress free after a session and it helps me sleep better as well. Well worth the cost. For those that live in the Dallas/Frisco area, I highly recommend Naeem’s Acupuncture or New Life Wellness Center, both in Frisco, TX.
I hope that these tips can help someone struggling with grief or mental health issues. I pray that 2021 brings good health and happiness to us all, and that we are now better equipped to deal with the tough times when they come our way.
Happy Heavenly Birthday to my beautiful and dearly missed momma!
-Talisha
* Make sure to subscribe by email to get updates on all new blog posts.